These are some bits from his now discontinued Daily Record blog.
Nov 15, 2008
Rung off
BT have slashed 10,000 jobs. A company spokesman said: "So, anyone need a good spokesman? Anyone?" Virgin Media are cutting 5000 jobs from their customer services department, which has come as a major shock. I didn't think they employed anyone in their customer services department.
Get a head
A ROBOTIC head has been developed that is able to mimic 10 human expressions. It's not as many as a normal human, but that's still eight more than Gordon Brown. Apparently the head has already auditioned for Hollyoaks but got pipped for the part by a block of wood with boobs.
A mad mad world north of the border
A GREAT thing about writing this column has been that while I'm touring England I've had an excuse to immerse myself in Scottish news ...and its sheer mentalness.
A businessman has been found guilty of defrauding a company of 24 tonnes of cheese and grating it by the time police got there. I think it was the 70ft baked potato that gave him away. A lot of people hearing that story on the news must have thought they were watching The Two Ronnies.
In Beijing, Andy Roddick challenged Andy Murray to see how long they could stay in an ice bath, and lost. Obviously, Roddick forgot Murray is Scottish. Between October and March, this whole country is basically one giant ice bath. At one point, Murray actually broke into a sweat. If he'd challenged Murray to sit in a hot tub, he'd probably have killed him.
Apparently, it's a macho thing. Considering their willies must have ended up looking like Tic Tacs, I fail to see anything macho about it. It all sounds a bit homo-erotic. What's his next challenge going to be? Nude wrestling in a bath of jelly? Later, Murray thrashed Roddick for 90 minutes. Then they played tennis.
Meanwhile, the Rowett Institute in Aberdeen has invented wholemeal bread that can combat diabetes, tomatoes that prevent heart disease and blackcurrants that reduce Alzheimer's. What they haven't invented is a Scotsman who eats any of these. Stick a piece of fruit down the average Scottish person's throat and the only thing you'll get is toxic shock syndrome. If they'd come up with a sausage roll that prevents cancer or a Silk Cut that cures motor neurone disease, I might have been impressed.
Apparently, the recession could mean that in a year the centre of most Scots towns could resemble a post-apocalyptic wasteland. So at least there will be improvements. I was talking to a bunch of Scots at a show and spent ages trying to see who would win in Shit Town Top Trumps. In the end, Coatbridge won, largely due to my memory of it having one Chinese takeaway, called Bon Appetit. We've been to some shocking towns on tour. Port Talbot in Wales is like Blade Runner without special effects. We later heard scientists had discovered cave paintings nearby dating back to the Seventies.
It's a funny old world. Didier Drogba was criticised for throwing a50p piece into the Burnley crowd. If he'd thrown a 50p piece into the fans at Motherwell, they would have built a statue of him. The SFA is refusing to take part in the 2012 British Olympic football team. England stars like Rooney and Gerrard are devastated by this. They were hoping to finally have players on the team uglier than them.
Bush shows where dirt is in the White House
BARACK OBAMA visited the White House this week. George Bush greeted him warmly, but spoilt it by handing him a duster and a can of Pledge. Bush prepared carefully for his meeting with Obama - by hiding the TV and DVD player. The new president noticed that when Bush showed him out he was following a piece of string. Tickets for Obama's inauguration are selling on eBay for $20,000. All of them to someone called Grand Wizard in Texas.
Sarah Palin has revealed she might run for president in 2012 if "God opens the door". Presumably this is the door of whichever lunatic asylum she has been committed to by then. She went on to say: "I put my life in my creator's hands." I thought Satan had hooves?
The US Secret Service revealed the code name they are using for Barack Obama is Renegade. Other names in the running were Moving Target and Bodybag. Renegade is cool, let's hope his cabinet members include Nightshade, Rhino, Jade and Wolf. Ronald Reagan's code name was Rawhide, which coincidentally is how British Intelligence refer to Peter Mandelson. David Cameron has been dubbed "Leave it, he's not worth it" and Nick Clegg is known by security personnel as "Sorry, who?"
Reports indicate that Obama's mother-in-law may move into the White House. Give it a month and he'll be begging for a terrorist attack. Give him two months and expect him on the roof guiding the planes in.
Meanwhile, a fake edition of the NY TImes declared an end to the Iraq War. Handing out a spoof newspaper would never fool the British public. They'd just assume it was a copy of The Metro.
Nov 22, 2008
Aye-phone isn't all it's cracked up to be
A NEW voice-activated search engine on Apple's iPhone doesn't understand Scottish accents. Tests found that a request for "iPhone" in a Scots accent led the browser to search for "sex". It might not understand Scottish accents, but at least it's good at reading between the lines.
I can see it becoming a best seller in Scotland. It also gives you a good excuse if your girlfriend catches you looking at a porn site on your phone. "How did that get there? I asked it to find me rock crunchers."
Organ donation in Scotland
TURNS out there are problems with organ donation in Scotland. Lots of people die young, but they've all got the internal organs of a 90-year-old. I want my organs to be of use after I die, which is why I'm getting them embalmed and put in jars in the burial chamber of my pyramid.
That won't be for a while, though, as I've got the body of a man half my age. In my fridge. It can't hurt to keep a few spares handy. Seriously though, I don't want my organs going to waste, which is why I've told my family that after I die they should tuck in.
Zombie hellhole
A SCOTTISH musician has penned a love song dedicated to Cumbernauld after it was described as the "most dismal" town in the whole of Scotland. Whoever thinks Cumbernauld is the most dismal town in Scotland obviously hasn't travelled around much. Cumbernauld is the most dismal town in the whole of the world.
Cumbernauld actually has a lot going for it, it just needs to market itself correctly. For example, it's ideally suited to film-makers wishing to shoot a zombie apocalypse movie. Not only does it offer the sort of bleak urban landscape that would cost millions to recreate with computer graphics but they could save on the budget for costume and make-up by using the locals.
There Has Been A 68 Per Cent Fall
There has been a 68 per cent fall in the number of sparrows in the UK. Scientists are baffled, but I have three words for you. Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall.
Also, surgeons have performed the world's first throat transplant. John Prescott is particularly interested in this operation as he wouldn't mind having a second one added.
Pm's Life Saver
GORDON BROWNhas ordered "supercars" designed to withstand sniper fire, roadside bombs, fire throwers and, basically, everything else he needs to get out of his Dunfermline constituency alive. The car can detect noxious gas, then seals itself off and pumps in oxygen. That's not for Brown, that's for his driver.
I see NASA have developed a machine that converts piss into water, unlike Carlsberg, who do exactly the opposite.
The number of pensioners reaching100 years old in Scotland is at a record. They are all looking forward to their telegrams from the Queen. So they have something to burn to keep them warm this winter.
The Biggest Shock On The Leaked
The biggest shock on the leaked BNP list is that one of the members was a Church of England vicar. Surely they suspected when he kept setting fire to the cross.
Liam Byrne is a man of straw
Liam Byrne, the MP who accidentally left Scotland out of the celebrations for "British Day", has been celebrating his promotion by instructing his staff to give him "cappuccino at 10, soup at 12 and espresso at three". See he's getting ready for his next visit to Scotland by practising taking his meals through a straw.
Is anyone else thinking this recession business is quite fun at the moment? Petrol down to 95p, clothing cheapest in Europe, mortgage interest rates down. I mean, nobody really enjoys going to work anyway. It's like when there are disasters and the community pulls together. Neighbours start to talk to each other. You might as well get to know your neighbours, as there's sod all chance of you getting any new ones for the next 10 years.
TV contests are a crying shame
EVERY year, it seems that one of the finalists on The X Factor has a mortally ill relative. Simon will say, "Your wife/mother/dog would be very proud of you tonight," and they cry and get through to the next round. They are not crying because they miss their relative, they are crying because they know Simon Cowell has a henchman ready to switch off the life-support machine should the show ratings start to slip. Simon only has Eoghan in the competition now. Dermot always says how nervous Eoghan is backstage - that's not singing nerves, that's because he knows Simon is creeping up on his mother with a bolt gun.
Meanwhile, Timmy Mallett joined I'mA Celebrity. Television has finally eaten itself. Mallett was famous for three seconds in the 1980s for battering kids with a hammer. Who's next in the jungle? Josef Fritzl? We've actually run out of letters in the alphabet to describe the anonymity of this man. Dani Behr is a Z-list celebrity, but Timmy Mallet means we need to start using the ancient Sumerian system of markings in wet clay. His apparent "trademark" is his red glasses, the same colour as his eyes through years of sobbing at the aching pointlessness of his existence. Mallet will excel at the Bushtucker trials, as he's been living off grubs and insects since the work dried up in 1987.
An Arab Sheikh is suing Michael Jackson for nearly £5million as he claims he wrote many of Michael's recent songs. I thought it was strange when Michael released: "Billy Jean's not my lover. Just a Western whore I had stoned to death." Jackson is now so broke he's had to sell his beloved Neverland. This is where he wrote most of his biggest numbers - usually on cheques to the parents of eight-year-olds.
Tom Cruise's two-year-old daughter is top of the list of Hollywood's most powerful children. Give it another 13 years and she'll also be at the top of Hollywood's most mental teenagers.
