couchtripper

What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling? Shaun De'Leer.

What do you call an Irishman between 2 pains of glass? Paddy O'Doors.

Man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

Woman with 2 pints of bitter on her head? Beatrix.

What's red and has to stand in the corner? A naughty strawberry.

Apologies to all...

I told my girlfriend I don't want to go to an eighties fancy dress party, but she remains adamant.

Gary Delaney

Groan!

I used to work for my cousin's garage as a panel-beater. But I was so bad at it, I got moved into a different department and became a joiner. Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions' cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"
The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

haha booooooooooooooo - gerroff!

Double groan!

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date..."

haha uuurgh

GaryDelaney: I saw a man with a board saying ‘Repent for you’re sin’s, the end of the world is nigh’. I thought ‘That's a bad sign’.

I was at the doctor's having a check-up when he said to me: "Do you know your sperm count?"
Blimey! I never realised they were so clever.

mary had a little watch
she swallowed it one day
now she's taking epsom salts
to pass the time away